products

REDS

Who's Drinking Gilbert Grape?

Our flagship sangria. Turns your teeth signature red. Who's drinking it?

Do Grape!

Legend tells of Ol' Billy Grape Williams. He was the Jonny Appleseed of the Rockies. Bill Williams loved two things: grapes and his dog Cain. He had a catchphrase, "Do grape today!" He would shout as he and Cain strolled through the town grapes in stow. One day, Mr. Appleseed came by and after much deliberation they both died forever. That very spot is now the source of Do Grape! Composted with coffee grounds for an extra kick, this grape and apple blend is sure to make your dogs bark. Brought to you by the city of Portland.

RAWDOG

A dark malbec. Notes of dog, but 14% ABV. Try something new before you quit!

Rare Vintage

Premium malbec well aged (6 months). All the finest wines improve with age.

Barstool Warrior 2

Our oakiest wine. Perfect for a timeworn Dark-side in. Brewed over a great deal of distance and time.

AA+ Sweet

Extra sweet wine designed for mixing with soda. Fermented with Red Vines, Tootsie Pops and Coca-Cola syrup. If you're diabetic this will either help you or kill you depending on your insulin levels.

Astonishing Wine

A high end merlot. Buy two get one free. Finally I can reveal how good wine makes me feel!

Symphony W

Truly an odyssey or flavor. Starts with an inferno of spice, ends sweeter than a serpent's kiss on the eve of seduction.

American Pino

Pino Noir that The New York Times called a delectable little medley.

Longmont Potion

CBD infused Red Blend. It will pixilate your teeth. It just will.

Bonesaw Is Ready

Leftover red wine that we stick Slim Slims into, like a Bloody Mary but good. Best mixed with Spaghettio sauce. Snap into this!

WHITES

Grapes Under Pressure

Non carbonated wine you can Sodastream! No kid gloves required. Live every night like it's New Years. #BDS

A Glass Solution

Delicious white sangria that you can't resist. It could contain nicotine (allegedly). The door is wide open.

Pale Watershed

A sweet harvest of blackwater berries you'll swear was brewed by a sorceress. I made it a white wine because Opeth sucks now lol

The Galexia Experience

The world's driest white wine. Not recommended for anyone do not buy this I hardly make it.

How Many?

Irresistible chardonnay, how many will you have? The record holder will have a photo on our website.

Elphie's Emerald City

If Francis Ford Coppola can sell it so can we. One short bottle from the Emerald City ;)

Human Spider Jerusalem

With great power comes great responsibility. Peter...trust the fuckhead.

Rock Bottom

We take our Emerald City wine and enhance it with gummy Venus De Milo extract. Your tears of joy say more than real evidence ever could.

Quagmire's Quagmire

Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.

White Boy Summer

Careful who you order this one around, don't show anyone the label either it's extremely racist. But it's the correct choice.

Casper Magic

Stirred with exclusive well regarded wands in the worst acceptable conditions. Proof of overdrafted bank account (or father's debit card) required for purchase.

White Wine Spritzer

Canned blueberry wine spritzer, no longer just for old bitties.

MEAD

Funny Bee's Honey Mead

This mead is sure to get you "buzzed"! You'll wanna get on the ground and dance!

Mead Are The Champions

Low effort mead that tastes like shit but is cheap.

SkittleBrau

Mead fermented with Skittles. You're not dreaming.

Deadhead

An excellent mead replacement/supplement for use in lean. Hurt me, I can take it!

James LaBrie and His Giant Peach

Famous Palisade peaches, also from the property, ensure that you can watch that sparrow all night.

You Might Be An Alcoholic

45% ABV leftover mead. I add a shitload of sugar and honey and corn syrup to make it drinkable.

Bstarro Hangover Helper

Leftover mead filled with electrolytes. Hair of the dog? No, this is the dog's liver.

RARE

Blue Man Grape

Blueberry wine with added blue food coloring. Very funny and will get you lots of attention for 15 minutes.

Fat Lamb Roulette

A facsimile of Aussie 4 Loko. 8 standard drinks. Controversial and will cause a blackout roulette.

Bang! Pow! Boom!

Faygo enhanced red/white blend infused with pop rocks. Whoop whoop!

The Dragon of Palisade

All proceeds benefit local Palisade animal rescues. Named after Kiryu, one of countless rescue kittens.

A Change of Seasons

Late harvest riesling (seasonal). It's much older now, a lifetime of memories run through its fruity head.

9 Volt

Monster infused Fat Lamb. One per customer. Sold in tiny cans. RIP little man.

Bishop's Brew

A garbage can of leftover wine. Pay by weight. Not responsible for any results, ABV not tested just kidding.

ii-V-I

Sold exclusively at The Nash in Phoenix, Arizona. Support live music and education!

The Infinity Gems

Sold with no notice. Only 6 made. Collect them all for 5 years of 50% off all products.

From Concentrate

A giant frozen can of wine you just mix in hot water or any other beverage. Gatorade if you're sick.